WA vs WAC - Tuesday, October 2, 2012

If we’d played this fixture before leaving our home state, we could have gone somewhere warm, like Fiji, and played golf for almost a week before jetting in for our second match on Friday. Poor management, Tracey “Plug” Connolly! 

Bolstered by the inclusion of three debutants and two upgrades from the over 40 age bracket, hopes were high for a strong start to the tournament. We moved the ball quickly around the park, controlling play for the first 15 minutes, but aware that Country was also an improved unit from previous years. Despite tour virgins Stephen “Budgie Smuggler” Abbott and Glenn “Paddle Pool” Templeman finding space up front, Country defended stoutly and created several promising attacks of its own. 

Eventually, Budgie popped up on the left, and deftly flipped a ball inside to man of the match Scott “Style Guru” Macdonald. Guru caressed the ball, with a low reverse pass from the baseline, to Greg “Hyphen” Ryan-Gadsden, who was waiting eagerly on the far post. Hyphen made no mistake. 

Country fought back with a long pass from inside right. A far too gentlemanly Peter “Leaky” Connolly, once again in the pads for WA, hesitated for a fraction of a second as a lanky right wing lunged in front of him. Neither Leaky nor Glenn “Sloth” Strother were able to protect the bobbling ball and the winger equalised. 

Greg “Strep” Ross welcomed a third, previously undiscovered, Virus Brother to state duties with a lethal pass to the sideline. Fabian “Penny-cillin” Ross, suspected of being adopted due to his calmer, soothing nature, was so keen to complete an interchange that he skipped over the ball, offering relief to the out of position opposition. 

Failing to be distracted by the antics of Strep and Penny, we continued to shift the ball purposefully and were rewarded with a series of short corners. We narrowly missed twice, but it was third time lucky when Guru employed the “hit it straight at the goalie” approach, and the ball passed underneath and into the backboard for a two-one half time lead. 

The second period saw the play become more open, but mistakes crept in as both sides tired. Traps were missed, passes sailed wide of the mark, and Colin “Disco” Tyler and Darran “Wildman” Wilson missed sitters from close range. Solid tackling, however, from Rob “Stealth” Behets and his fellow defenders ensured that we did not concede a second goal. Guru eventually iced the game in the last 30 seconds with a nonchalant penalty stroke over the custodian’s head. We were fortunate to be awarded the stroke in the first place, after a pathetic attempt at a tomahawk by Bruce “Squizzy” Taylor. 

On a final positive, the team celebrated with Brian “The Tourist” Saxby for overcoming ongoing injuries and negotiating a full match without causing further damage. 

Result: WA 3 – WAC 1 

Goals : S. Macdonald 2, G. Ryan-Gadsden 1 
Best player as voted by WA : D Wilson 
Best player as voted by WAC: S Macdonald

WA vs QLD - Friday, October 5, 2012

Aware of Queensland’s physicality, Coach Frank “Extra Shot” Quaresimin ensured we were switched on from the opening whistle. Midfield dominance and wave after wave of attack saw us go two-nil ahead within ten minutes. The only concern was the loss of defender Michael “Splinter” Bilney. Too much sitting around on Disco’s magical mystery tours, while waiting for the tournament to heat up, led to the deterioration of the sheep farmer’s back. 

Our first goal came from excellent team play through the centre and right, followed by a cracking cross to left post by Wildman Wilson. Budgie Smuggler Abbott firmly met the fearsome strike, swatting the ball in from a couple of metres. 

Our second came from a slick drag flick by Wildy. The ball took a slight deviation from the Queensland runner, but it was always going to find the top corner of the net. 

With Hypen Ryan-Gadsden and Squizzy Taylor running rings around their opponents, we continued to find holes and win short corners. Paddle Pool Templeman was unlucky to score from another variation when he sped in from the right, shrugged off a vicious stick check, and deflected into the cross bar. 

Queensland tried desperately to work their way into the game, but our left side defence, led ably by Sloth Strother, shut out their most dangerous ball carriers. It was only a rare defensive lapse in the final thirty seconds of the half that allowed Queensland to go into the break with any hope. They scored with a straight hit from a short corner. 

We continued to hold our structure and make incisive penetrations in the second half. Long lost, possibly adopted Virus Brother, Penny Ross – the good one – came into his own in the midfield, bewildering Queensland’s defence with his silky skills. Coccus Ross – one of the evil ones – was impassable at left half, often combining with Sloth and Stealth Behets to turn defence into attack. 

Unfortunately, we didn’t make the most of our chances and Queensland was able to get near enough to the “D” to win several penalty corners. In the blink of an eye, they scored twice. One was from a penalty stroke awarded after Leaky Connolly made a blinding save and The Tourist Saxby went for the resulting raised ball at the same time as an oncoming forward. The umpire was quick to determine that The Tourist arrived late. Queensland’s other goal again came from a straight corner hit, leaving us with mere minutes to find an equaliser. It was a task that proved too difficult despite our gallant efforts. 

Result: WA 2 – QLD 3 

Goal scorers: S. Abbott, D. Wilson 
Best player as voted by WA : G. Strother 
Best player as voted by QLD: F. Ross 
Cards: Yellow – nil. Green – nil.

WA vs VIC - Saturday, October 6, 2012

Bolstered by the arrival of wily forward Craig “Cramper” Burgess, we were anticipating finding a few more avenues to goal for this fixture. 

Style Guru Macdonald seized control early at centre-half. He was like a big, golden spider at the centre of a web, reeling the ball in then sending it spinning to all extremities of a 360 degree circle. Strep Ross – one of the bad brothers – and Wildman Wilson made the most of the tasty service on the right, managing to lock the play in our attacking half of the field. 

We thought we’d gone ahead when Paddles Templeman scrambled the ball over the line after the umpire had allowed advantage – but scoring was too much advantage and we were invited to take a short corner or spend a few minutes on the sideline for biting our tongues and sharing meaningful glances. We chose to take and waste the corner. 

Compounding our frustration, we allowed a Victorian to drag the ball over our defensive baseline and then back into play before passing off to an unmarked man on the spot. No amount of Gypsy curses from Sloth Strother or gingerbread man gesticulations from Leaky Connolly could alter the result. 

The match became a tough, physical struggle. Wildy and Disco were marked eyeball to eyeball by opponents who rarely turned to face the play; Budgie Abbott jeopardised his career as a model when he head-butted the ball; and Stealth Behets was smashed mercilessly every time he made one of his signature low to the ground traps. Paddles had his legs taken from under him, but relinquished control of the ball when he landed carelessly on the offending full-back. 

Inspired by Sloth, weaving his magic through the left, we peppered the scoring zone without luck. Cramper had the keeper beaten, but he had not accumulated enough frequent flyer points to warrant a dose of magnesium on the morning flight. He cramped in both calf muscles at the crucial moment. 

Worse was to come when we had a second goal denied. The Vic goalie appeared to raise the ball into Hyphen Ryan-Gadsden, who bunted it into the path of Strep. No-one is yet to work out how and why Strep was anywhere near the attacking goal, but he gleefully tapped in, only to be informed by the disbelieving umpire that he had no right to be scoring. An obscure rule, applicable only to Strep, was invoked and the goal did not stand. 

Desperate until the final minute, Leaky was called to keep in play a long clearance from the Vics. He momentarily forgot the rules – and that he had a stick in his hand – and kicked the ball from close to the 25 metre line. Consequently, the match ended, much to the amusement of the Victorian supporters, with our defenders having to keep out one last corner in order to preserve a nil-one deficit. The boys are considering “borrowing” a ball and chain from Port Arthur to tether Leaky inside the “D” for future matches. 

Result: WA 0 – VIC 1 

Best player as voted by WA : G. Strother 
Best player as voted by VIC: B. Taylor 
Cards: Yellow – nil. Green – nil. 

WA vs SA - Sunday, October 7, 2012

Tracy “Plug” Connolly clearly didn’t have enough managerial duties to perform – beyond organising lollies, tallying fines, and shifting her motherly instincts from Leaky and her two drips to the recalcitrant delinquents of Room 10 – so Coach Extra Shot Quaresimin requested that she book a 7am training session for the forwards to discover what it felt like to put the ball in the net. The defenders were going to stand aside and cheer. Several key personnel pointed out that 7am, due to daylight saving, a concept West Aussies traditionally have trouble embracing, was now the old 6am. Taken a logical step further, it was Perth’s current 4am. 

The cunning plan was abandoned, permitting us to make our warmer way to the Hobart Hockey Centre for a more civilised 2pm encounter with the Crow-eaters – which, of course, was once 1pm, but was really 11am according to the clock which still governed Squizzy’s nanna naps. For the Crow-eaters, it might have been half an hour earlier, or maybe one and one half hours earlier, but as some of the smartest people Stealth Behets had ever known had only studied Geology – presumably deciding to complete something more challenging at university – we could only fall back upon a geologist to work it out, and were therefore left completely stumped. 

When we finally reflected upon the fixture to produce the match report, we realised this game was much like the previous ones. The Tourist Saxby surprised everyone by kitting up to play; Budgie and Hyphen gave each other knowing winks and criss-crossed from wing to wing like male models on the catwalk; Squizzy ran in ever decreasing circles; Cramper Burgess politely queried whether badges discovered inside Uncle Toby’s cereal boxes qualified one to be an umpire; and when Strep and Coccus slid on their knees no-one could pick them from their slightly shorter, possibly adopted, better behaved, long lost sibling, Penny Ross. The Tourist even thought it necessary to repeat his Queensland performance and give away a penalty stroke while wandering around the post during a short corner. 

Reliably, Wildy played extraordinarily well, Sloth and Guru Macdonald were solid around the midfield, and Splinter Bilney watched from the sidelines in his laconic farmer way. 

The only things that changed – quite importantly – were that Leaky stayed in his box, making several remarkable saves, and that Hyphen feathered in a shot from The Tourist, who had become disorientated and ventured as far north as the offensive “D”. We had looked like losing another battle we had deserved to win, but this time managed to salvage a one-all draw. 

Result : WA 1 – SA 1 

Goal scorers: G. Ryan-Gadsden 
Best player as voted by WA: D. Wilson / D. Ross 
Best player as voted by SA: D. Wilson 
Cards: Yellow – nil. Green – nil.

WA vs NSW - Tuesday, October 9, 2012

It was seven degrees at 7am when we arrived at the stadium. The sun was beginning to shed light and warmth on pitch number one – a pity we were playing in the shadow of the stand on pitch two. 

Our fall away press, somewhat a contradiction in terms, appeared to be working for the opening ten minutes, with the strong, unbeaten New South Wales unit having to fiddle around in their half of the field. As they attempted to poke holes in our wall, we stepped up and forced their retreat. 

This was all dandy until they threw an overhead into the “D”. Twenty players, two umpires, a hobo sleeping off a hangover from the night before, and possibly a Tasmanian Tiger (sightings remain unconfirmed as the photographs are blurred), converged at ground zero. When the smoke dissipated and forensics were able to sift through the debris, a mildly concussed Penny Ross confessed his love for his new found, older, more evil Virus Brothers. 

From this point forward, one or two wearying warriors failed to shuffle quickly enough from left to right and gaps were exploited. Eventually, Leaky was forced to make a save, but the rebound was slotted by a blistering crack from a sharp angle. 

The barrage continued, as did the screaming and shouting from Sloth and Guru Macdonald from the back. Amidst the mayhem, NSW banged in a second. 

Disco put further pressure on a wilting midfield when he hobbled into the half-time huddle with a small tear to his calf. He spent the second half being rubbed, manipulated and strapped, but couldn’t get back on the pitch and therefore decided to get stuck into the end of match lollies. 

We conceded a third early in the second half. With the threat of an embarrassing massacre looming, the boys rallied. The Tourist Saxby handed over to Wildy on the 25, who threaded a pass to a diving Cramper Burgess. The deflection defeated the dozing keeper and brought the four-strong WA crowd to its feet. 

We could have been disheartened when NSW were lucky to score a fourth, this time against the run of play. Penny Ross, head still spinning, was helped to the sideline following an errant stick to his knee, and Squizzy also limped off due to a raised ball into the top of his shin. 

This angered the Virus Brothers, Stealth, Sloth and the Guru. They tightened the defence and crashed the ball forwards. Hyphen made a scintillating run down the right and crossed to Budgie and Cramper in space. Budgie dummied the trap, deceiving the floundering keeper, and Cramper had an easy put away. 

Leaky had no trouble dealing with a high shot from the opposition attack, and Splinter chose the right time to fall on the defensive goal-line to keep us in with a faint hope. Wildy fed Cramper again, who finished with a stunning reverse stick smack to claim his – and our – third. 

Still full of running, we were denied an unlikely draw by a final whistle that came seconds too soon. 

Result: WA 3 – NSW 4 

Goal scorers: C. Burgess 3 
Best player as voted by WA : C. Bugess 
Best player as voted by NSW: B. Taylor 
Cards: Yellow – nil. Green – nil.

WA vs TAS - Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Replace this with your text. Break lines with one break - 
. Separate paragraphs with two breaks. ie 



Result: WA n – TAS n 

Goal scorers: 
Best player as voted by WA: 
Best player as voted by opposition: 
Cards: Yellow – nil. Green – nil.

Semi-Final WA vs XXX - Friday, October 12, 2012

Replace this with your text. Break lines with one break - 
. Separate paragraphs with two breaks. ie 



Result: WA n – XXX n 

WA Best Player: 

Final WA vs XXX - Saturday, October 13, 2012

Replace this with your text. Break lines with one break - 
. Separate paragraphs with two breaks. ie 



Result: WA n – XXX n 

WA Best Player: