WA Over 45's - 2011 Match Reports

WA vs QLD - Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Coach Frank ‘Piccolo’ Quaresemin, hyperactive on three days’ worth of double-shot piccolo lattes, revved up the lads for the early start. Extra energy was also gained from Piccolo’s pasta from the previous evening. Consequently, the game began frenetically with Darran ‘Wildman’ Wilson exploding at the opening whistle and penetrating deep into the Queensland half. Shaun ‘Bunny’ Bunn followed aggressively from centre-half and we had the banana benders rattled for five minutes. 

Unable to capitalise on our initial blitzkrieg, we lost our tempo and composure for a crucial ten minute period, allowing Queensland to win and convert a short corner. They soon reinforced their dominance when gifted an opportunity for a field goal after a midfield turnover. Virgin ‘keeper Peter ‘Leaky’ Connolly valiantly leapt high to his right, but the shot was unstoppable, blasting into the roof of the net. 

The eight tour virgins had a tough time in the first 35 minutes, with one half of the Virus Brothers, David Ross, facing a barrage of attacks at left half, Leon ‘Doughnut’ Wende being reprimanded by the umpire for a clash before he had touched the ball, and Graeme ‘Julia’ Gurney smearing Queensland flesh and blood on his stick whilst missing a swipe at a loose ball. Greg ‘Hyphen’ Ryan-Gadsen settled first, using his speed to advantage from left wing and working back to shut out the overlapping right half. 

Experienced campaigner Michael ‘Splinter’ Bilney looked to be in trouble minutes before the break when he took an undercut short corner on the chin while defending the post. However, an expert patch up job by our best new acquisition, Jessica the Canberra physio, saw Splinter rejoin the team for the final minute of Piccolo’s half-time spray. 

The second half was played with improved control. We defended stoutly, with Kevin ‘Fluoro’ Dempster using his lower than Woolworth’s tackles to sweep the ball to the advantage of his midfielders. The elder Virus Brother, Greg Ross, found his legs at right half and started to carry the ball menacingly into attack, and Bunny ran himself into the ground to wrench control of the game from centre-half. 

Wildman looked the likeliest to score, flicking into the goalie from an unintentional short corner variation, and later narrowly missing a tomahawk. 

Unfortunately, it was not to be our day and the score remained unchanged by the final whistle. We suffered a few minor cuts and bruises, and some wounded pride, but there were many positives to be taken from the second half. We look optimistically to the challenges that await during the rest of the tournament. 

Result: WA 0 – QLD 2 
Best player as nominated by WA : C Tyler 
Best player as nominated by QLD : S Bunn

WA vs VIC - Thursday, September 29, 2011

The thermometer limped its way to 12 degrees, probably its peak for the day, as Wildman Wilson again streaked through the centre of the field at the opening whistle. He slipped one left to Colin ‘Disco’ Tyler who fumbled the ball across to Bruce ‘Squizzy’ Taylor, surprising both the Vics and ourselves by entering the ‘D’. 

We kept play bottled in the attacking 25 for a good five minutes and at least four players should have scored. Wildy squeezed one high and wide; Disco missed a simple pat over the keeper from a bobbling ball; Squizzy failed to clean up Disco’s mess; and Ray ‘The Virgin Prince’ Achemedei received wide and shot even wider. 

The pattern from our previous match looked set to continue, as we started to manufacture potentially costly turnovers. Fortunately, Victoria was determined not to capitalise, choosing to return the ball benignly, after one or two passes, so we could try again. 

Try we did, with our high strikers regularly finding space and time to be creative. Leon ‘Moss’ Wende trapped and passed with greater assurance than during his Tuesday debut, while Peter ‘Fish’ Bampton almost deflected a miraculous goal behind his back and through his legs while running in the wrong direction with his eyes closed. 

The entertainment continued to improve in the second half. Wildy was taken down by the keeper at the three minute mark and Julia Gurney celebrated his namesake’s 50th by slotting the resultant penalty with a whippy flick into the top corner. Soon after, Julia continued honouring our P.M. by conjuring a special card of the yellow variety, inspiring Kevin ‘Bad Boy’ Dempster to follow suit, leaving us with only nine on the park. 

Rob ‘BP’ Behets, the quiet achiever, came in to help the midfield, proving a calm foil to his hard-working but rabid Hale team-mates, Bunny and Squizzy. Brian ‘Sax’ Saxby, his suspect ankle/achilles/calf/hamstring/thigh/back/et cetera fully strapped, started to dominate at the back and Disco organised everybody except for himself into an effective brick wall. 

Once Julia and Bad Boy returned refreshed we defaulted to our usual chaos and somehow allowed our custodian, Leaky Connolly into the game. Luckily, Leaky found some sealant, keeping out the sole shot that was on target and splattering a marauding forward on the one occasion when man of the match Sax dropped his guard. 

We book-ended the game with missed opportunities, as a flurry of corners from Splinter Bilney and Sax went astray, while Prince neglected to side-step the sliding keeper following a delicious through pass from Bunny and accidental tap left from Disco. 

We didn’t consistently produce our best, but coach Double shot piccolo latte Quaresimin praised the boys effusively in the rooms afterwards, setting the scene for a big night at the WA dinner. 

Result: WA 1 – VIC 0 

Goal scorers: G Gurney 
Best player as nominated by WA : B Saxby 
Best player as nominated by VIC : B Saxby

WA vs WAC - Saturday, October 1, 2011

As we trudged bleary-eyed onto the bus, Squizzy Taylor revealed that he was still wearing his winter pyjamas, under his tracksuit, in the forlorn hope that he could maintain a modicum of warmth. It was no surprise, then, when the red ABC lights on Northbourne Avenue blinked starkly through the 7am drizzle and gloom to tactlessly inform us it was only four degrees. Perhaps it was a degree or two warmer at 8.15am when the game creaked to a start … but perhaps not. 

Country managed to string together a few more passes than our previous opponents, frustrating our plan for an early surge. In typical western derby fashion the first half was a tough nil-all affair with numerous physical challenges. The victims on our side included: Moss Wende, six feet fifteen on the old scale, who had his legs taken out from under him by the four feet nothing goalkeeper; and Wildman Wilson, who was hacked relentlessly every time he so much as breathed. On the positive side of the ledger, Hyphen Ryan-Gadsden was given a two-minute rest for a crude Kalamunda attempt at a tackle, while Bad Boy Dempster continued on his wicked way, surreptitiously planting his stick in an opponent’s forehead and getting away with it under the umpire’s nose. Unfortunately, we were still in possession when play was stopped to set up a crime scene and scrub the puddle of blood from the turf. 

The second half produced much brighter hockey. We commenced in familiar style, bursting through the centre and deep into the left to put country’s defence under extreme stress. As hoped, they panicked and began coughing up the ball more easily. Rob ‘Stealth’ Behets slipped under the radar at right half to combine with Wildman for a perfectly executed set play. Squizzy gleefully accepted the final slap into the D and put a cracking shot past the stunned keeper. 

Following the fist pumping and high fiving, however, country found its way back into the contest, winning and converting a short corner. They had some help, though, as mistakes by the Virus Brothers became infectious. Elder brother Greg ‘Strep’ Ross violated a ball carrying forward, while David ‘Coccus’ Ross guided the flat, half-paced, possibly off target strike around his own legs and into the corner of the goals. Goalkeeper Leaky Pete was unamused. 

Fortunately, the disease was able to be passed from one species to another and a country defender kicked a goal from several metres outside of the post after a misdirected short corner hit from Splinter Bilney. 

From this point, it became one-way traffic. Stealth and Splinter were impenetrable at the back, rebounding to the Virgin Prince Achemedei and Fish Bampton, who both displayed increased confidence by successfully attacking the goalmouth. Squizzy nailed his second late in the game, while Wildman sealed the match. He scored an easy push into a vacant goal after a neat steal and pass in the D from Fish. 

Result: WA 4 – WAC 1 

Goal scorers: B. Taylor 2, M. Bilney 1, D. Wilson 1 
Best player as nominated by WA : B Taylor 
Best player as nominated by WAC : R Behets

WA vs SA - Monday, October 3, 2011

Although the clock said 8.15am the commencement of daylight saving made it an hour earlier and an hour colder. It was still dark when we emerged from our sleepy hollows. The temperature was sinking sadistically just below zero degrees. 

Jessica the Canberra physio worked overtime in the rooms to warm up frozen hamstring and calf muscles. Her job was made even more difficult by Stealth Behets falling asleep on the table. He only awoke when we threatened to carry the table to another change-room because of his snoring. 

There was no opening sprint to the attacking D today as Wildman Wilson deceived himself with his dummy, turned his own shadow inside-out, and left the pill behind for three SA forwards to carry into our defensive sector. 

The first half was a see-saw battle as the hard nuts from both teams went head to head. Bunny was his usual cantankerous self, barking orders from the midfield, while Julia Gurney, full-chested, twice bustled his way into scoring positions. Leaky Pete also marshalled the troops from the back. 

As in previous matches, our superior fitness and run came to the fore after the break. The Virus Brothers and Bad Boy Dempster made a series of ugly but effective tackles, allowing Disco to step over the carnage, retrieve the scraps, and distribute the ball safely out of defence. 

Disco also wandered into attack occasionally and got onto the end of a right side penetration to deflect at goals and win a corner. Astoundingly, a deliberate variation to the left came off with Julia hammering one into the backboard. 

Strep Ross eventually raised the ugly bar one notch too high and the umpire was forced to wave him off with a yellow card. However, it did not diminish our momentum. Hyphen Ryan-Gadsden was unleashed at left wing, making an incisive run to set up another corner. Squizzy collected a rebound near the baseline and smashed it across the goal-front, finding Captain Grumpy Bunny on the post to tap in our second. 

The adrenalin rising, our forwards swooped like vultures onto a rotting carcass, besieging the SA circle. Our third came from a three on one, which eventually turned into a five on one, with all five pummelling away at the hapless keeper. Squizzy ended the torment when he stole a goal from Julia as the ball was about to cross the line. 

Coach Double Shot Piccolo Latte/I Hate Teppanyaki Quaresimin asked the boys to give one hundred percent – and the boys delivered. 

Result : WA 3 – SA 0 

Goal scorers: G. Gurney 1, S. Bunn 1, B. Taylor 1 
Best player as nominated by WA : G Gurney 
Best player as nominated by SA : C Tyler

WA vs NSW - Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Leaky Pete had been complaining that he was losing his touch. Our goalie-come-manager-come-chauffeur-come-damage control officer was certainly not getting enough action. He was getting very little of the play on the field, too. Therefore, we went into today’s game with a cunning plan. 

Our position on the ladder was unlikely to change no matter the result. Unless we won ten-nil, NSW was going to finish on top and we were destined to play QLD in Friday’s semi-final. Implementing a calculated, tactical strategy, we chose to allow NSW to dominate for lengthy periods, providing our defence with much needed practice, and exposing the NSW game plan without revealing too much of our own. 

Deliberately, our inside forwards ran around in ever-diminishing circles, ignoring Julia Gurney at centre-half and throwing the ball over the sidelines so NSW could build attacks. For the sake of variety and extra fitness training, our flank halves occasionally waited until our forwards led wide and then directed play in-field so everyone was caught out of position and had to double their work rate chasing back. To the credit of Fish Bampton, Moss Wende and Hyphen Ryan-Gadsden, they did the running. The carbo-loading that Fish had been doing at the Tongue-in-Groove Bar during the week finally paid off. 

Occasionally, however, we forgot our plan and reverted to the style of hockey that we were trying to conceal from NSW until the grand final. The Virgin Prince Achemedei, endeavouring to impress in his first run as a defender, tackled far too diligently, as did Splinter Bilney and the Virus Brothers. Splinter also almost made the error of scoring from a first half corner. 

Fortunately, the cleverer members of the team realised, with only 26 seconds on the clock, we had not allowed NSW their divine right to be ahead at the half-time break. Like the parting of the Red Sea, a path into our defensive D was engineered, a clumsy tackle quickly organised, and the NSW captain was allowed to demonstrate his flicking style. 

Recognising that we could tempt the gullible NSW squad into unwittingly displaying even more of its armoury, we plotted innovative methods of handing over the ball in the second half. Disco danced around a straightforward outlet pass from Squizzy Taylor, escorting it over the sideline when no NSW players bothered to tackle him; Wildman Wilson set up a one-two for a goal scoring opportunity, but pulled out of the ‘two’ part in the nick of time when he realised that he was going against the team plan; and Hyphen deliberately chipped over the sliding keeper and onto the stick of the sole full-back who was trembling with fear millimetres in front of the goal-line. 

At the back, Leaky Pete had a brilliant game, but when he felt he had fine-tuned his skills enough he asked the defence to concede a corner so we could view and analyse another of the opposition variations. As planned, NSW scored, not realising that they had fallen into our trap. Too easily, we soon deceived NSW again, with the NSW captain accepting our poisoned invitation to show us his jinking and shooting skills. 

At the end of the day, the score-line may have been three-nil down, but by disguising our true capabilities we learned a lot more about NSW than they did about us. 

Result: WA 0 – NSW 3 

Best player as nominated by WA : P Connolly 
Best player as nominated by NSW : P Connolly

Semi-Final WA vs QLD - Friday, October 7, 2011

There was one flaw in our cunning plan to lull NSW into a false sense of security for the grand final: we had to defeat Queensland in the semi-final. Strong performances in the middle of the tournament earned us third position and the right to have a second crack at the Queenslanders. Coach Double Shot Piccolo Latte I Hate Teppanyaki (How on earth did I get sunburn in Canberra?) Quaresimin was confident that we had more stamina than our opponents and would run over the top of them. We were also able to bring our secret weapon, Brian “The Phantom” Saxby, out of his cave to bolster our skill level. 

We started in promising fashion, with Bunny, Squizzy, Wildman and Hyphen applying intense pressure up front. Even Disco managed to clip one off his toes over square-leg for six – just a shame the goals weren’t suspended 20 metres in the air. Stealth, Julia and Coccus formed a formidable half-line, while Splinter mopped up at the rear. 

However, the maroon shirts, using the maroon walls and grandstand to advantage, began materialising, vanishing and re-materialising disconcertingly in unexpected locations. We passed the ball through a clear channel at the top of the defensive D, but a Queenslander magically appeared, intercepted, strolled unchallenged, and smashed a morale-sapping strike past Leaky Pete. 

We held it together until half-time, but the run and precision wasn’t evident after the break. The Phantom Sax was clearly unable to overcome the injuries that had hampered him throughout the tournament, while Bunny and Disco were being closed down by an impressive Queensland shuffle. Nevertheless, Bad Boy and Strep defended stoutly, the Virgin Prince held his ground firmly, and Leaky Pete resisted like a mining company being asked to pay more tax. 

The Banana Benders seemed to want it more, running themselves ragged and pressing forward until, through sheer force of will, they found the net for a second time. 

We didn’t surrender. Squizzy, Wildman and Julia never stopped trying, and we even created a couple of half chances at the other end. Odd couple room-mates, Fish and Moss, combined for our best opportunity. They split the defence down the middle, but couldn’t quite make the killer pass that would beat the keeper. Hyphen also pierced the wall of Queensland defenders in the dying moments, but was channelled onto his reverse and couldn’t manufacture an effective shot. 

When the final whistle put us out of our misery, we knew we had given it our all, but also acknowledged that we were beaten by a better team – and the one that would proceed to claim the gold medal on the following day.

P.S. Congratulations to Shaun Bunn, who made the over 50s Australian team, and Kevin Dempster, who was selected as an Australian umpire. Both will be travelling to the United Kingdom in 2012. 

Result: WA 0 – QLD 2 

WA Best Player: G Gurney