WA Over 50's - 2015 Match Reports

WA vs VIC - Wednesday, September 30, 2015, Reef Pitch at 12:45pm

Freshly dubbed the “Old Farts” during a practice match against Lions, who were barely able to shave (and whom we defeated 3-2), we hobbled, wheeled and wheezed our way onto the ominously named “Reef Pitch”. Head geriatric and coach Kevin “Polka Dot” Knapp distributed last minute charts detailing positions, rotations, set plays and statistics, which those in Ward 2, the Getaway-On-Grafton Alzheimer’s Unit, immediately mistook for a plan of the fire exits, a list of the specials at Chemist Warehouse, the Mumbai guide to taxi driving, and an authentic treasure map purloined from the set of Pirates of the Caribbean XXIII: Barnaby’s Revenge.

Captain Matthew “Socks ‘n’ Crocs” Jones, on a day release from Fitzroy Island Retirement Village, scuttled around long enough in the centre of his fuzzy universe to receive passes on numerous occasions, sometimes from us and more often from the opposition. 

Mike “MIA” Hallam was conspicuous for his presence, unlike two days earlier when he managed to dematerialise on Green Island. 

Gavin “The 50 year old virgin” Parker caught the eyes of the blue rinse set (those who had recently survived cataract surgery and had paused to look up from reading 50 Shades of Grey), with his mane of silver locks and retro Olivia Newton-John gold headband. 

The opening half saw us pummel the Victorian defence. Long balls, short passes, scoops, jinks and deflections all made their way through a maze of legs, knee braces, walking canes and zimmer frames, only to emerge harmlessly beyond the attacking baseline. Several times the ball did trickle into the goals, but we were cheerfully informed by a gentleman in a lemon and lime flavoured top that we would need to score our goals at the other end of the pitch during the second half. The decisions were graciously accepted, but we were given further opportunities to demonstrate our bygone era, non-Kyrgios, tongue-biting techniques after “Medicare Frequent Flyer” Brian Saxby and the 50 year old virgin were separately involved in machete attacks to the backs of their legs while choosing into which corner of the goal they would put their shots. Neither were awarded penalty strokes and no cards were issued, despite the common perpetrator taking a guilty glance over at the naughty seat. Even Polka Dot reacted mildly when he was sent off for two minutes for allowing himself to be thumped from behind during general play. 

Half-time allowed the psychologists in the team to work their magic and we emerged calmer and more controlled. Quickly catching up with the local, leathery cougars, Darran “Sunburn” Wilson, fresh from his private solarium, became influential down the left. Russell “Vaseline” Rieck looked dangerous and was therefore left alone in the corner. Peter Chisolm rattled around the forward line like a packet of tic-tacs. Even the tropical weather loosened Michael “Splinter” Bilney’s arthritis enough for him to stroll up from fullback, past the aging midfield, and into the scoring zone. Like Tic-Tac in rehab, however, he was also unable to score. 

Eventually a string of deft touches led to the Frequent Flyer standing alone on the goal-line with the ball at his feet and no Victorians close enough to violate him. From the dim past a foggy memory came forth and he tapped the ball across the line for our first. Our second arrived soon after we abandoned the short corner battery - 125 attempts without success had probably been enough – and let the ball through to Colin “Disco” Tyler who was quietly trying to figure out how John Travolta had got back to his feet so quickly after dropping to his knees in that film with the colourful flashing dance-floor and awesome white suits. Disco, whose reverie had been rudely interrupted, swiped the ball away and it fortuitously rolled in the vicinity of the goals where Sunburn deflected a winner. 

Having realised the mistake of involving Disco in anything near either goal, and collectively suffering from short term memory loss, we reverted to our straight-hit short corner for our last hurrah. It remarkably rocketed off the stick of the 50 year old virgin and cracked in to the backboard.  

At 3-0 we called it a day, pleased that there had been no incontinence at the rear with Peter Connolly and his “Leaky” pads. 

Result: WA 3 – VIC 0 

Goal scorers: B. Saxby, D. Wilson, G. Parker 
Best player as voted by VIC: M. Jones 
Best player as voted by WA : to be announced at the end of the tournament 
Cards: K. Knapp (Green)

WA vs WAC - Friday, October 2, 2015, Rainforest Pitch

From the Rainforest Pitch in balmy Cairns, between 5pm and 6.20pm on a Friday, passenger jet and plane aficionados can direct their eyes skywards four times during each half of old farts’ hockey. 
According to goalkeeper “Leaky” Peter Connolly, the highlight is the 5.30pm Qantas flight to Townsville. What makes it statistically interesting is that it is actually operated by Sunstate Airlines on behalf of Qantas. Even more fascinating, while the other Qantas flights and one lone Virgin flight during the period in question are on Boeing 737-800s, and the Jetstar and Tiger Air flights are on Airbus 320s, the Brisbane based Sunstate Airlines uses a De Havilland (Bombardier) DHC-8-400 Dash 8Q. For the uninitiated this is a turbo prop airliner rather than a jet – clearly worth maximum points for the avid analyst. 

According to Leaky, the first De Havilland Dash 8 was put in to service by Sunstate in February 1992. Its entire fleet now consists solely of 31 gorgeous Dash 8 aircraft. From underneath, with the wheels yet to be safely tucked away, the view of the craft reminds Leaky of a sleek box formation short corner defence, with two runners streaming out from either side of the solid central fuselage. 

During our game against our country cousins, the reminder that a hockey match was in progress arrived at just the right moment. Leaky was forced to pause his plane spotting and make his first saves of the tournament – two in the one skirmish. 

The soporific slumber of the remainder of the team was broken when Gavin Parker “The 50 year old virgin” , battered a short corner hit through an impotent post-man and into the goals for our belated first. This was soon followed by a stunning, optimistic run from Tim “The Enchanter” Reynolds. He weaved his magic through right wing before waving his wand at a hovering ball on his reverse to draw a freakish save from the country goalkeeper. Peter “Tic-Tac” Chisholm however, all guns blazing, jumped on to the rebound to give us a 2-0 lead. 

Further reward for our increased tempo and improved skill execution was to come before the break. One of our many, possibly unintended short corner variations found its way to the wrong side of goalie and then the last defenders foot. Today’s umpire, warming to the notion of keeping the spectators entertained, awarded us a penalty stroke, which Darran “Sunburn” Wilson calmly slotted before the custodian had realised it was his job to try and keep it out. 

In the second stage of play, we had our backs to the Cairns International Airport, which forced our defenders up to the field so they could be heard by the forwards over the roar of the Boeing 737-800s to Sydney. (For those keeping records, the first was a Qantas flight and the second, a mere five minutes later, was operated by Virgin). Carnivorous Craig Trott, who rates highest in the team on the all important stat-sheet for ordering a steak at a vegetarian Indian restaurant, continued his domination at the not-so-far back. Flank halves Greg “Gross” Ross and Rob “Stealth” Behets became so noticeable in attack that they challenged the 50 year old virgin for the attention of the 50 Shades of Grey club. The virgin’s nose was put so far out of joint that it was his calf that required icing at the end of the match. This was one of two injury concerns with Mike MIA Hallam losing his bearings after a head clash. Later, as social coordinator, he was putting us on a space ship to Kuranda to dance with the hippies. The rest of us knew this wasn’t happening until Monday. 

Mark “Apps” Arnold, having made a pest of himself in the first half, capped a solid evening’s work by being sternly admonished by the opposition goalie for getting in the way as Matthew “Socks & Crocks” Jones slotted a short corner variation that was most likely another happy accident. Had coach Kevin “Vodka” Knapp been on the special jellies during his time on the bench? Only this could explain a deliberate call for Socks & Crocks to be on the end of a potential goal scoring move. 

The final productive attack came from a long pass out of left field that found Russell “Vaseline” Rieck unmarked on the 25. He stormed in to the scoring zone, lined up the right corner of the goals, throwing the goalkeeper off balance, and then whipped the ball across to the left corner where it thudded in to the back corner for the sweetest of sounds – apart from the delectable growl of the 6.20pm Jetstar Airbus A320 to Melbourne. 

(Note: One last telling statistic, Bruce “Squizzy” Taylor had zero fresh air shots while stumbling backwards during the match.) 

Result: WA 5 – WAC 0 

Goals: G. Parker, P. Chisholm, D. Wilson, M. Jones, R. Rieck 
Best (voted by WA ): to be announced at the end of the tournament 
Best (voted by WAC): M. Jones 

WA vs NSW - Sunday, October 4, 2015, Reef Pitch at 11:30am

The previous day saw the other great Australian sporting team win its third premiership in as many years. The challenge had now been set: would we be able to three-peat like the mighty Hawks? Having won the title in Sydney in 2013, and having gone back-to-back in Perth in 2014, we were keen to gather momentum for our Cairns 2015 campaign by continuing our recent dominance over the men in blue. 

Leaky Connolly, solid and slightly unorthodox (a nice way of saying a bit weird) at the back, just like the Hawk’s Brian Lake, looked impressive during the warm-up. It was no fault of his, though, that he didn’t get to touch the ball for the second time in three matches. Would Splinter Bilney, our own tough James Frawley, and Carnivore Trott, a raking defender in the Grant Birchall style, have to let a few forwards by in future matches to ensure Leaky could impress the Aussie selectors with more than his range of pre-breakfast stretches? While the man splits might excite our manager Plug Connolly, the grooming and deportment expert of our team, Parker the 50 year old virgin, assures us that Leaky rates only marginally higher than “Socks ‘n’ Crocs” Jones on the crucial team stat sheet for sartorial splendour. At least Socks ‘n’ Crocs has been occasionally involved in the play, marshalling the troops like Luke Hodge from the Hawthorn midfield. 

Leading the charge of the little people in yellow, coach Kevin “The Minion” Knapp, not dissimilar to hard taskmaster Alastair Clarkson, designed the cunning plan to dismantle New South Wales. We executed the plan with the same ruthlessness that the boys in brown and gold demolished the insipid Eagles. 

Gross Ross, tall and unassuming, like Ben Stratton on a half back flank, mirrored the efforts of Stealth Behets, who destroyed every NSW attack while looking like an advertisement for men’s cologne, much in the vein of Josh Gibson, Hawthorn’s noted spoiler, clothes horse and jet-setter. 

The silky Shaun Burgoyne skill set of Sunburn Wilson, combined with the Jordan Lewis hard-headedness of MIA Hallam (miraculously recovered from concussion), created nightmares for the opposing midfield. Their job was made easier, though, by the mosquito fleet of hungry forwards: Tic-Tac Chisholm, Apps Arnold and Squizzy Taylor. Tic-Tac bobbed up everywhere, like the equally annoying Paul Puopolo. Apps was more will-of-the-wisp, Luke Breust style, while Squizzy did a magnificent Liam Shiels type job, suffocating any move attempted by an opponent. Apps was rewarded with a first half goal when his tomahawk pass across the “D” to the invisible man was tapped in by a NSW defender. Tic-Tac was being served by the Cyril Rioli of the team, Medicare Saxby, who created opportunities out of nothing, and by our big Jarryd Roughead forward, Tim “The Enchanter” Reynolds. The Enchanter robbed a sloppy halfback to set the wheels in motion for Tic-Tac to score. 

In the second half, Disco put his Isaac Smith running shoes on and linked with the Jack Gunston of the forward line, Vaseline Rieck. Several quick interchanges between the room-mates drew NSW to the right before switches to the centre found Socks ‘n’ Crocs, Kevin the Minion and the 50 year old virgin (whose uncanny resemblance to Ryan Schoenmakers suggests that the young bombshell could be his love child) in dangerous positions. We weren’t rewarded on the scoreboard, but one WAG later commented that we almost looked like we knew what we were doing. 

Our third and final goal eventually materialised when Kevin the Minion, as minions are wont to do, partied his way to the left of the corner hitter and slotted the ball gleefully into the net. He coached like Clarko, but finished like Sam Mitchell – who must have also gone close to winning the Norm Smith for his no-nonsense demolition of the barely noticeable Eagles midfield. 

Three-peat? Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, but the omens are promising. 

Result: WA 3 – NSW 0 

Goal scorers: M. Arnold, P. Chisholm, K. Knapp 
WA best as voted by NSW: M. Jones 
WA best as voted by WA : to be announced at the end of the tournament 
Cards: Nil

WA vs SA - Tuesday, October 6, 2015, Rainforest Pitch

Good morning Bill, and welcome viewers to a marvellous day here at the Rainforest Pitch. Showers are forecast later in the afternoon but we are expecting a full day’s play. The pitch is a belter despite being in to its 11th day. It should remain hard and bouncy, with only minor signs of wear around the keeper’s footmarks. 

Yes, thank you, Richie. SA have won the toss and chosen to take the ball. They’ll be opening from the sniffer dog end, with their quicks likely to start wide and target the leg-side. 

Splinter Bilney and Carnivore Trott fend off the opening deliveries, playing back and across defensively. It’s a hostile start and SA seem to be deliberately employing a short attack. No doubt WA will be calling on Stealth Behets to steady the ship if Splinter and Carnivore are beaten early. 

Of course, Bill, I expect sunburn Wilson will need to temper his cavalier attitude, too. It’s a hot one today, so I hope he has applied plenty of sunscreen. Someone will need to spend a long time in the centre. WA can’t keep relying on “Socks ‘n’ Crocs” Jones to hold things together. He’s been in excellent form but opponents are working out how to stem his flow of runs. Perhaps Hallam, who has been missing in action recently, can bolster the middle order. 

Look at that zip off the pitch, Richie. Judas Rogers, playing against his old team, nipped one through the gap, but it’s just gone wide. Leaky Connolly, who hasn’t done much keeping of late, will need to be on his toes. 

It was an interesting delivery, Bill, fading to the left, but Judas was a yard quicker when wearing the black and gold and his line was more direct. 

The opportunities to score are increasing as SA becomes a little loose, giving WA more width. Squizzy Taylor, fresh from rehab should be able to thrive if this keeps up. 

Agreed, Richie, but Squizzy has spent too long in rehab and I know he has copped some flack from his team-mates. I’ve seen the pictures and they are not pretty. 

Out! Out! He’s walking. What a catch! Phantom “the ghost who walks” Ross is out after a spectacular one-handed grab. That is better than Ben Stokes’ effort in the one-dayers when Mitchell Starc hurled the ball at him. What was Phantom thinking? Good morning Chappelli. What do you think was going through his head? 

Probably not a lot, thanks Bill. It was one of the stranger dismissals I’ve seen in this series. He’ll need to sit down and have a think about what I’m sure will be a costly mistake. 

Oh dear. It’s all happening. SA have pushed Tim “The Enchanter” on to the back foot and one has gone straight through. Even Leaky failed to get anything on it as it sizzled passed his despairing lunge to the right. SA’s no-nonsense veteran has taken one from one. We’ll be back shortly after the break. 

Good morning, Tubby. You wouldn’t look out of place with this lot, today. 

Hello viewers. Good morning, Heals. Yes, I think I’ve got that Judas fellow covered. I’d normally be happy to take on Saxby, too, who does a lot of promotional work for Medicare, but he must be receiving some special treatment after hours because he’s looking good. 

I’ve heard the WAGS have arrived, Tubby. Do you think that’s why he’s smiling? 

Now, now Heals. That’s not a smile; it’s a grimace. I believe the team has put him on a strict diet. He’s had a recent dose of the Trotts, and the runs are still flowing intermittently, but he’s looking quite composed. 

Here’s a chance, Tubby. What a strike. Parks, the 50 year old virgin, has clubbed one straight. It’s crashed in to the boards. That’s put the game back on an even keel. 

What’s happening here, Heals? The umpire has had to step in to regain order. Perhaps he should have intervened sooner. That’s gotten really ugly. Green Lantern Knapp is involved again and I’m not surprised. He’s not happy about being given his marching orders but he has got to go. 

He’s entitled to hold his line while making a quick run. 

Maybe Chappelli. What do you think, Slats? 

The game has changed since the seventies. Mind you, Socks ‘n’ Crocs could have stepped straight off the set of Magnum PI. Give him a Disco moustache and he’s a dead ringer for Tom Selleck. 

Dear-oh-dear. I’m not sure if that is one of the bravest or most stupid acts I’ve seen on a field. Tic-Tac Chisholm has shuffled right in front of a nasty swinging delivery. He’s got a bit of wood on it, but I’d say he has been collected. Yes, there is definitely claret streaming profusely from his forearm. He’s coming off and that is going to need stitches. 

What appeared so promising prior to the start of play has ended in a disappointing draw. Let’s hope tomorrow’s one-dayer against QLD gives spectators something to cheer about. Until then, it’s goodbye from the commentary team. 

Result: WA 1 - SA 1 

Goals: G. Parker 
Cards: G. Ross (yellow), K. Knapp (green) 
Best WA player as voted by SA: R. Behets 

WA vs QLD - Wednesday, October 7, 2015, Reef Pitch

It’s late. I’m tired. The previous match reports have been too long. This one will be brief. Maybe. 

Medicare Saxby smashed one into the goalie’s face and then tapped in the easy rebound while the custodian was still dizzy. 

Parks, the 50 year old virgin, crunched a straight hit from a corner. He hobbled off with a knot in his hamstring soon after. 

We let them score a field goal. For once, Leaky Connolly didn’t rescue us by pulling off a miraculous save. 

The umpire stuck his foot out to trap a rebound from the QLD keeper. Vaseline Rieck was on hand to tap in the goal. 

Wildy was on the receiving end of 35 perfectly executed passes. He walked his goal gratefully across the line. 

QLD hit a short corner under Leaky’s armpit. He thought he was lying flat on the ground but the pasta from the night before created a bulge and a gap. 

Diskette, Disco’s devoted wife, takes 2000 photographs per match. Disco scored the goal of the tournament – or at least his personal goal of the tournament – and Diskette missed it as she was huddling behind a wall, trying to escape the rain. 

Squizzy threw an effective overhead. It travelled five feet in the air and ten feet in distance. It cleared one player who stood about 4 feet 5 inches tall. Tic-Tac ran to it, collected it and returned to the place 70 metres downfield where he was originally expecting an overhead from Voldemort Knapp, the evil mastermind, who managed to get his green card statistics up to the exceptional rate of 60%. 

Apps attempted to throw an overhead from a sideline hit, too. It cleared half the height and travelled half the distance of Squizzy’s superior toss. Also, it never managed to enter the field of play.  

We finished on top of the ladder after the qualifying rounds. 
The End. 

Manager: Thank you Disco for your amazing match reports. We really appreciate the energy and creativity you put into them, as well as the time sacrificed to grind them out while we are playing in a serious tournament. 

Result: WA 5 - QLD 2 

Goals: B. Saxby, G. Parker, R. Rieck, D. Wilson, C. Tyler 
Cards: K. Knapp (Green) 

Best WA player as voted by QLD: R. Rieck 

Semi-Final WA vs xxx - Friday, October 9, 2015

Result: WA n - xx n 

Best WA player as voted by WA : 
Goal scorers: 
Cards: Nil.

Final WA vs xxx - Saturday, October 10, 2015

Result: WA n – xxx n 

Best WA player as voted by WA : 

Goal scorers: 

Cards: 

WA player of the tournament: